I'd always wondered if it was just me, but do other girls have problems with salty male friends?
I have a few male friends I don't like talking to. It's not a matter of being uninteresting, but they all seem to have this misplaced, almost childlike passive aggression towards me that I don't tolerate.
All my salty male friends will have this in common: they have an uncontrollable urge to turn on the testosterone and put me down seemingly out of the blue- in private or in public. And I love self-deprecating humor, all my older readers can attest that I know how to make fun of myself. But there's just something off when it comes out of the blue, comes on really strong or even has this weird petulant tone that makes me ask... why, wtf do I owe you?
Salty Male Friend A (SMF A) is a Child. He updates me about pretty big news in his life. I'm genuinely happy and congratulate him, but admit that the news kind of came out of the blue. It's an offhanded quip. I don't update nor talk to casual friends often so I tend not to expect any major life changes. His response?
Oh well yeah, you don't really bother with other people's lives outside your own. You probably only scroll over your own Instagram page instead of looking at the feed.
And this fucking raised my hackles. I'm a pretty fucking decent person and I do care about bubbles outside my own. Even if you can't admit that, admit at least that I'm a story-teller with a natural curiosity for stories.
At the time, I was overcome with shock that I didn't call him out- but it was really weird. It felt really infantile to me in that this casual friend was so bitter that I hadn't latched on to every single bit of news about him. The way he spit out the sentence sounded really petulant, too. As if I was a horrible person for not knowing his life.
All friendships have a certain bit of imbalance and it's up to the person feeling this imbalance to: figure out the other friend more skillfully to deepen the friendship, communicate the problem and together find a solution, or cut ties and not take insults to one's dignity.
Otherwise, I just don't get why you would throw tantrums at me for 'not caring enough.' I mean... welcome to the real world? I wonder if it's somehow connected to the nice guy mentality where guys feel women owe them attention...
SMF B is the Beast. He always tried to pee on me, figuratively, of course. Normally we had an easy-going relationship, but in crowds he couldn't seem to resist to put me down. I can't put my finger on it but it often felt like he was a gorilla howling and beating his chest. It was often unprovoked too, like, people would be talking about books that touched their lives and he'd suddenly butt in: YEAH BUT KRISTEL WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT BECAUSE KRISTEL IS DUMB BAHAHAHA.
And I don't even get it? It's not that he had a strange humor that nobody else understood, because he always only did it to me. Unlike SMF A which points to a wounded ego by me not caring enough, I suspect SMF B just had a general ego problem. If you have a misplaced need for people to watch you tear someone down, it might just be you convincing everyone else you're not as low as you think you are. Additionally, I think these people choose to put down their friends because their fragile egos scare them from making a bad impression on strangers.
The way I handle these guys is to let them do it once, and give them a seriously mean look after. If they do it again, clapback 100x more savage and really fast. It's the only way they realize you don't want to be used as a crutch for their fragile egos.
SMF C is the WORST KIND OF SALTY MALE FRIEND OF ALL TIME. SMF C is the I know you, and I could like you but you're not my type kind of salty male friend. I had this male friend that demonized practically every personality trait of mine. Unsolicitedly, he would analyze my behavior (to me) and talk about why he didn't like it in a potential partner.
You're certainly not bad to look at, but I tend to demand more substance in my girls - I don't have substance? Was I trying to measure up to your expectations? Was I begging you to take me? OMG SOMEBODY STOP ME FROM PULLING MY OWN HAIR OUT.
Oh you're independent? That's definitely good for your goals, but it tends to intimidate men. You need to know how to play the game and win them over, too. - The kind of men I intimidate are the kind of men I don't need in my life. My parents didn't educate me so I'd lollygag about in my days wondering how many men liked me and what I could do to improve my score. Boob job? Shorter dress? Makeup?
Only if I wanted to.
My parents didn't raise me to be good enough for men; they raised me so that men would wonder if they were good enough for me.
I like that you're chatty... but just as my friend. I could never be with a girl as friendly as you. - Again, I didn't ask though. We're not in a roleplaying, fantasy scenario. I find it baffling that I'm catching up with a guy....
K: Hey, how's it going?
SMF C: You know, I thought about if you were my girl, but I couldn't finish the thought because you're not really my type.
I like to give the benefit of the doubt, but let's just be straight here. SMF C just sounds like they're trying to convince themselves they don't like me, and they're failing horribly at it. It's a classic hate them before they hate you tactic. Unless you're outright fighting though, it's just uncalled for in casual conversation. Don't neg me boys, the only approval I seek is of ~God's~.
People say that male friendships are so easy-going and genial. That it's all sup bros and head nods vis a vis politically complex, catty women friendships. Actually I beg to differ. Men can be just as catty, shallow and stupid as women. Don't keep up friendships with salty males - leave them where they belong. In kindergarten!